I also feel like I’ve been incredibly unfair to someone I really wanted to be friends with (this is a lot of people but this is about one person in particular). I really really liked this person but I was afraid to be friendly with them in case they didn’t feel the same way. Instead I was incredibly mean to them and would for some reason stupidly wonder why they were so mean towards me. This went on for a while before I just completely walked away from everything I was trying to create between us because it became incredibly toxic. I blamed THEM for me acting the way I did towards them. I even posted countless posts on tumblr about the way they made me feel even though I was the one who would was getting butthurt over the feelings they felt about me which were very valid feelings. Idk why I wanted to be the victim even though I really really wasn’t and just wanted them to like me without giving them a reason too. I wish I would have just treated them the way I treated anyone else instead of all this manipulative bull crap trying to get them to be nice and like me. If I had not gotten so but hurt every time they said or did something I didn’t remotely like maybe we could have still continued the friendship in a healthy way where we weren’t drained from butting heads all the time. I would want to so badly apologize and start over but I’ve realized this all too late and I’m wondering why they still even bother keeping me on social media. Honestly thinking about just taking them off my self but I feel like if I dont at least try to even apologize I’d be running away from the problem. I know I sure as heck dont deserve their friendship but they deserve that apology. Here’s to the future and making things right and better.
These past few days have been rough emotionally for me. I’ve come to terms with my past and why I’m very distant and never wanna be nice or make friends. In fact keeping up with people kinda has always been a chore. I’m gonna start by saying everything I’m about to type is no reason for me to be acting the way I am towards people in general and how I treat people who I am even lucky enough to still call friends. Honestly these people deserve a better friend and I wanna try to be that but I need time to grow and learn. I’ve only recently discovered that I’ve being doing things very wrong. Anyway here’s some back story I only recently started analyzing. Again this is no excuse for my distant and rude behavior.
Ever since I could remember, 5 days a week my parents would send me off to babysitters all the time when I was younger with the exclusion of holidays of course. I never really minded it so much as my babysitters did a good job keeping an eye on me. I did however wish from time to time that I could spend more time with my parents as I was always away from them and felt I knew my babysitters more than I knew anything about my own parents and Vise versa. Honestly I felt really sad when they would have to tell my parents things about me rather then just having them see it for themselves. I understood that my parents had to work and that’s why they couldn’t watch me and later on I would feel resentful.
Eventually I started pre k and i was so excited because finally i wouldn’t be babysat anymore and something new was changing in my life. Also BOTH my parents were able to attend my first day with me and that made me really happy that they made time to be there until of course they had to leave. I wailed and cried at the top of my lungs because I finally thought i was gonna be able to spend more time with them. Instead they were just dumping me off to new people to look after and take care of me. It was a lot like being babysat but I actually had to do work. I really didn’t care about making friends cause all I wanted was to spend time with my parents. Let me also tell you that in my 23 years of life I had never really looked into why I was crying so hard as they were leaving me. I really was hurt and felt like my parents didn’t really care to spend time with me. Again I know the actual case was they both worked and did the best they could but at the same time I never really felt like they tried too hard to make an emotional bond. I know now that they do care. It was really hard for them because I was a surprise. My parents were 40 with no intention of having kids but here I was coming into the world weather they liked it or not so I understand. At the same time I was still always jealous of the kids whose parents could always come to every school event and field trip with them. I was even more resentful of the kids who were always the lasts ones at school and the first ones to leave as I was always the opposite as my parents went to work early and got off late.
Anyway this isn’t a sob story how my life was hard cause it wasn’t. I was literally always taken care of I just wish I was taken care of by someone at least in my family. Being babysat by strangers wasn’t that fun cause I never felt like I could make an emotional bond with them cause I felt like I shouldn’t cause they weren’t my family. I also had trouble trusting people cause I didn’t really know the people who were taking care of me. Like why did my parents have me if they couldn’t be the ones to take care of me? Why didn’t anyone in my family step up to the plate and offer to help my parents out like they did to everyone else in my family? I felt so unwanted and a nuisance to my parents and my family as a child. I never felt like I could hang out with people outside school or camp because my parents didn’t have time to do that or were too tired. I remember asking my father one time if I could see a movie with my friends and if he could bring me and he told me I was born into the wrong family and what’s worse is I knew he was right. I couldn’t do all these things my friends could do like hang out outside of our natural social setting. I grew used to it but I’ve been so ready to not have to be able to rely on them since my babysitting days really.
I know very well I was born at an inconvenient period of my family’s life but why did they always make it seem like it was my fault I was put here? This isn’t a sob story I know people have it worse but literally always feeling like you’re an annoyance in your family’s lives as a child has its mental toll. I never felt the need to look at my life this way cause I know my parents did the best they could to keep a roof over our heads and I’m not asking for a different family. I just wish some parents would think before having a kid if they can REALLY take care of a child. Being able to provide is one thing but also providing emotional support FROM YOU THE PARENT can go a long way. To be fair I should have gotten therapy a long time ago. My parents did offer it to me but I rejected it because I didn’t want them to complain that it would be a burden to take me to and from therapy as well as paying for it. I shouldn’t have been so scared to take the offer cause then maybe I wouldn’t be realizing so much about just making acquaintances or how to trust and not be afraid of people going in and out of your life. I have been so afraid of people just coming and going that I never thought anyone was worth the time. Something I’ve only just started to realize is people come and go out of your life all the time but that doesn’t mean they dont deserve a chance. I shouldn’t always have everyone come to me to be friends I should be trying to make friends myself, it’s really shitty to feel like I never have to be the one to approach someone. I really shouldn’t be pissy of someone doesn’t want to be friends with me that I really want to be friends with. I’ve seriously been emotionally abusive to people whom I’ve really wanted to be good friends with but just didn’t feel the same. I feel horrible for it.
I can’t take back the horrible things I’ve done but I will move forward and be better towards people in general.
Tldr: I never felt like my parents wanted me in the past, so I never felt like anyone would want me so I was always emotionally abusive to a lot of people cause I never felt like they’d like me if I tried being nice anyway. I wanna stop this and mend the relationships I do have and hopefully be able to make new ones. Idk where I go from here or how I do that but I’m aware of my actions now at least.
I could go on and on but this is already a FUCKING MESS OF EMOTION and this is just a gist. I really didn’t want to blame my pare nets for the way I am cause it’s not their fault. I could have sought out ways to deal with it myself but I always felt like they had an obligation to somehow even though I’ve never really expressed this resentment to them. Another thing I’m working on is expressing my feelings and not being afraid that people will just dismiss them. I just make sure I tell someone who listens to me. I hope I’ll be able to afford help really soon as well cause I’ve also come to terms that dealing with feelings on my own is stupid even though i know i can do it.
other people: you should try to start showing more affection towards people you like
*Actually shows affection*
Others: eww put it away
I……
I can’t win I can’t fucking do it being told to try harder and then being told its not enough or i’m trying too hard like I……
and then these games like did I do something wrong?
Like i’ve must have played these a billion times before i’m too fucking exhausted I’m not down to lose myself again just to figure out what you need from me. I wish it were more black and white, I wish you would just tell me. I wish I knew where I stand in this. I want a direction so I know if I’m just wasting time.
I’m probably taking this more personally than i should be, i wish i knew what to do to help. I’m just sick of thinking its always my fault or i need to do something. People are so tiring and exhausting. i just want them to go away and hole up for a while. I don’t even know why i even try or why people get interested in me there’s always someone more interesting and I get hella forgotten anyway. Yeah I act too good for people, they’re just gonna tell me to go away anyway why bother.
I wish i had someone to talk to about this that won’t just sit there and tell me i’m overreacting or being a child or complain about their problems. I wish I felt like i could confide in someone about things and not feel guilty that i’m wasting their time because their problems are much bigger than mine. so here ya go tumblr you get this crap please ignore it.
There’s a lot of discourse going around right now about everyone’s ages but this is literally the only thing I’ve been thinking of since they were officially released
Finally uploading my piece for the @artofthewild zine! I feel so happy and honored to have been part of such an amazing project with so many fantastic artists!
